I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
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My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
uncle dave has been through hell
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Why is everyone getting married at me
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it