People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
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Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell