Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
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Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]