I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
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DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Brb my Sims are getting married
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder