Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
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Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday