[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
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Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you