nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
You Might Also Like
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.