I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
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[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks