Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
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*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
Stop.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
What about a To-Don’t List?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!