*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
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I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”