#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
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a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
WTF IS THAT!
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR