Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
You Might Also Like
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday