H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
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I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
My life in a nutshell
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog