I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
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I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
I see your IQ test came back negative
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.