So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
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A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches