There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
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ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face