If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
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Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Had an epiphany today.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.