Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
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Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.