ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
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what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?