JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
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What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.