How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
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had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”