i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
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Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
This is so me 😂😂
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition