Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
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When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
(True)
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
🍛
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.