Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
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As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I told my vodka about you.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.