Said the murderer.
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If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
This a good idea
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.