Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
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Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.