Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
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Oh hi lol
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Me, in DM rooms…
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.