Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
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I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash