Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
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i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*