At my grandmaโs house and just accidentally let out a โyall stop running in and outโ omg itโs over ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
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The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for โSwimming with Sharks.โ
I got her a coupon for โBungee Jumping.โ
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Who needs clocks when my dogโs digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
At this point Iโm waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
My kid keeps saying โWhen you were alive back in the 1900โsโฆ.โ
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Iโm not saying one of my kids is โmore difficultโ than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isnโt Miss โGet Off That Computerโ Years 1994 to 2006
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasnโt flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Her: I canโt believe youโre leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: Iโve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But youโre 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.