I forgot how to panic. Help
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Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.