trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
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90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
✌️
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.