Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
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Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be