Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
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Guys, I found it.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
No. YOU-buprofen.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Oh the world we live in…
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.