GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
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I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
The asteroid..
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.