guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
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BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.