” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
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-Hot Pringles in your area
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you