ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
You Might Also Like
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
They’re on their honeymoon
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis