My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
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HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
It do be feeling this way.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-