I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
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Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to