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Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
LMAO.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England