No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
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if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
why no one uses midhusbands
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”