Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
You Might Also Like
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Isn’t
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Me My dog
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”