BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
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I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”