I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
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When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?