I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
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So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
This rocks
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”