Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
You Might Also Like
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it