The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
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the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.