Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
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Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
getting groceries
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.