With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
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Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.